Love Language
You’ve probably heard this latest buzz word (or rather, term) that’s been circulating lately in the mass media and social networks. Terms like this are often used in “pop psychology”, we see it on our Instagram feed and we start using it in social conversations. This is a perfectly wonderful term and a great way to talk about how we exchange our love with others, and how the love we receive and the love we give don’t look the same. Love languages are an amazing tool for navigating our relationships with our loved ones. The trouble is, when terms gain a lot of traction in the mass media, it starts to lose its true meaning, and conversations around it often dull.
What are “Love Languages?”
The idea of love languages first became a coined term in 1992, when anthropologist, religious educator, and philosopher Gary Chapman published a book titled The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. The book itself is very abstract, and is largely based around his experiences counseling couples through his North Carolina church. The idea of the book is that, despite the endless love languages individuals use, every person has a primary and secondary love language that they prefer. He theorized that the type of love language most people give is likely the kind that they would like to receive, and named the 5 main types of these; receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Despite that the theories presented in the work being theoretical and abstract, we find that there is some psychologically sound basis in which it is grounded in.
How can we use the love languages to better our relationships?
Gary Chapman seemed to be right about at least one thing; we tend to give the kind of love that we would like to receive. This, however, is not the same thing as treating others the way we wish to be treated, which we know is a rule most people do not abide by. When our partner, a family member, or loved one needs love shown to them or we feel like showing them we love them, we often show them we love them through actions that would make US feel good. This, at first glance, seems very obvious, but the issue surrounding it may not. The problem that we face with this impulse is not that we should stop showing love to others, but start building our awareness around HOW we’re giving love to others. We should do so by assessing the love language that is most appreciated by the person we are giving love TO. It makes perfect sense that we would give love the way we wish to receive it, but it is, in fact, unintentionally selfish.
For example, you may have a friend that, when struggling with mental or physical strains, makes it obvious that they need a lot of words of affirmation, and quality time. So, you give them a lot of those types of love to be of service to them. When you are struggling, however, they come off far too overbearing for you. You feel stressed out, as if their kind words are just not that helpful, and wish they offered something more on par with acts of service. Maybe bringing you soup when you’re sick, offering to drive the kids to school, or taking over something on your list for you. You think, “THAT is what would help me feel most taken care of and loved!”. But, they are only acting in a way that they would like to be treated, so we have to be gracious and understanding of where they are coming from. Women are far more likely to need physical affection as an act of love, and men more likely to need acts of service. As a wife we often see this first hand when something stressful happens, and our husbands, instead of giving us an affectionate hug and encouraging word, try to find an immediate way to fix the situation. It may feel frustrating, and utterly obvious to you that there is no immediate fix and that you need a more affectionate type of love in the meantime. To them, they see your pain and wish to take it away, so they use the first tactic that comes to mind.
In order to better improve our relationships, we can consider this idea in every difficult situation; from minor inconveniences to lifelong struggles of our loved ones. The first question we would ask is, “what kind of love do I think they would prefer from me right now”? If by asking this question of ourselves we gain little clarity, we must begin the habit of asking the person in need; “What can I do to help you right now?”